bella. (bella_rivolta) wrote in senza_radici,

after MUCH deliberation, i decided to send my dad a father's day card. i made it myself, and it's cute. i even enclosed a note.

here's what it actually says:

we haven't spoken in a while, but i didn't want to let this day to pass without letting you know that i love you. i've been going through a difficult time lately, but as always, i'm finding my way. i'm sorry that i cut contact with you like i did, but i didn't know how to keep talking without making a mess out of things. i just think i need more time, more work, so i - we - can do this differently. i hope you're doing well (& having a good race season!). i miss you and i love you. happy father's day.

here's what i WISH it said:

dear dad,

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I made my bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story...

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting....


i wish it was easier to know what to say to him. i ended up using a lot of "i statements" because i didn't know how to say it any other way. he hasn't gotten it yet, and maybe he never will. it just felt necessary to send this to him. maybe it'll be the last contact i ever make. maybe 6 months or six years from now i'll try again. who knows? all i know is, i can't burn this bridge again. i can't. i need to leave us with something good. he left ma alone, as i asked, but he left with silence. i think we need something a little kinder, and i know that he's not going to be the one who does it.

i just wish i knew what to do with him. my mother was right. it would be a LOT easier if i didn't love him.

how are y'all dealing with the last of the "parent" holidays of 2006?
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