Finally found out what was making Em cranky and mean and unable to sleep. She had an ear infection. I didn't know that was what was changing her behavior so drastically. After the first dose of antibiotic she was running in circles and actually smiling. Two weeks of hell to learn another lesson of parenting. E and I just really didn't know that she was that ill. This morning she just wanted to sit on the couch and watch TV and I was upset thinking wow she has suddenly gotten lazy. I forced her to go to the library even though she cried to stay home which is unlike her.
This is the legacy of not having an experienced mother in my life. I miss my mother a lot. But I am surviving. As I said last time I won't ever say that living this way is okay. It's not okay to have needs and have to sweep them under the carpet. I need that mothering influence in my life and I can't always get it. That makes me angry and that anger won't end. Everytime I feel that anger I will speak it or write it and I imagine I will feel it on and off through Em early childhood. But it isn't a destructive anger it is simply the anger that comes from knowing that things don't have to be this way. Someday I might have the opportunity to help someone out in a similar situation or maybe write a book. Until then...well I am glad this mothering hurdle is over and next time I will recognize an ear infection because I will have had that experience.
More lessons learned the hard way...but at least they are learned. Tonight I sleep!