bella. (bella_rivolta) wrote in senza_radici,
bella.
bella_rivolta
senza_radici

after MUCH deliberation, i decided to send my dad a father's day card. i made it myself, and it's cute. i even enclosed a note.

here's what it actually says:

dad,
we haven't spoken in a while, but i didn't want to let this day to pass without letting you know that i love you. i've been going through a difficult time lately, but as always, i'm finding my way. i'm sorry that i cut contact with you like i did, but i didn't know how to keep talking without making a mess out of things. i just think i need more time, more work, so i - we - can do this differently. i hope you're doing well (& having a good race season!). i miss you and i love you. happy father's day.

here's what i WISH it said:

dear dad,

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I made my bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story...

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting....


*sigh*

i wish it was easier to know what to say to him. i ended up using a lot of "i statements" because i didn't know how to say it any other way. he hasn't gotten it yet, and maybe he never will. it just felt necessary to send this to him. maybe it'll be the last contact i ever make. maybe 6 months or six years from now i'll try again. who knows? all i know is, i can't burn this bridge again. i can't. i need to leave us with something good. he left ma alone, as i asked, but he left with silence. i think we need something a little kinder, and i know that he's not going to be the one who does it.

i just wish i knew what to do with him. my mother was right. it would be a LOT easier if i didn't love him.

how are y'all dealing with the last of the "parent" holidays of 2006?
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I am ignoring it. Father's day never bothers me and I never pay attention to it. That probably isn't very nice but...well...we never celebrated Father's day when I was a kid nor my parents birthdays for that matter. Hmmm isn't that weird. In any case it is sort of a non-holiday for me. Glad you are trying to reconcile things for yourself. I will try to call u later. hugs!!
cool.
excellent poetry. I'm sending a card...not sure if I'm gonna call or not.
i wish i had written that. i forgot to put that in quotes, but it's "not ready to make nice" by the dixie chicks. wonderful song, wonderful album...none of it written by me. :)
i really like that album too :)
i sent a card, also using "i" statements. and stuck to true things: i do hope that he has a good day that day. i do love him. i don't wish i were there, or anything like that, so i didn't say that.

i also didn't sign it, as using my current name would be a slap in the face to him, and using my old name, i can't bring myself to do it.
yeah. i can sympathize a lot with being in the middle. i only used the initials i had when i was little, before i was adopted & my last name was changed. i didn't want to use my step-dad's last name, and i couldn't sign it bella...so...

i sent it already, so too late now, but i like it that you were just...honest. (this is a novel idea for me, clearly.) that you didn't address any "issues" in the card, just played nice...with honesty.

i sound like a simple little being. i know. it's just that i'm learning not to absorb all the ickiness of a given situation. i'm rambling. i'll stop. just...thank you.
nah, i get it. i wrote things i didn't mean on these cards for years, i probably still do many times -- lying about some things is just a strong coping/survival mechanism still. anyway, glad if these thoughts were of some help.
He called me and I forgot it was "his special day". I realised about 5 mintues after the conversation ended so I wrote him a quick 4 line e-mail. He replies with something to the effect of "I know I haven't been the best of husband or father but it was a lack of understanding not a lack of good intentions."

I was rather taken aback and didn't reply back to it.
oy.

half-ass "apologies" make me so damn mad...

my father *did* send a birthday card, but didn't even mention his father's day card. however, since we're still not talking and he has NEVER given me a birthday card, i'd tend to think he got it.

but probably will never GET IT.

you know? (it sounds like you might...)
beautiful beautiful beautiful (poem)
this really moved me.
not talking to a parent is in some ways so much worse than having a parent who has died. well it's different and has its own troubles.
i know what you mean about it being easier if you don't love someone. i have often wondered WHY we love people who either do not love us, or have hurt us so terribly? i think it is a both a good redeeming thing that love endures but also very painful and hard.
thank you for this post and poem it is really beautiful.