"Thought I knew my mind
Like the back of my hand
The gold and the rainbow
But nothing panned out as I planned
And they say only milk and honey's
Gonna make your soul satisfied
Well I better learn how to swim
Cause the crossing is chilly and wide
Twisted guardrails on the highway
Broken glass on the cement
A ghost of someone's tragedy
How recklessly my time has been spent
They say that its never too late
But you don't get any younger
Well I better learn how to starve the emptiness
And feed the hunger
Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agony's your heaviest load
You'll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When you're learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while
And there's always retrospect
(when you're looking back)
To light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh
You start at the top
Go full circle round
Catch a breeze
Take a spill
But ending up where I started again
Makes me wanna stand still...."
so you're leaving. second therapist in six months. so much good work...i'm needing to believe that it will not be erased, that it won't leave with you. needing to believe that this will be like all the other times, all the other losses in that even though i can't see my way out of this, i will fly off into the darkness and find my way. tell me it's what i do...tell me it's ingrained in me...tell me it's in my blood. i need something manifest and tangible now, something that tells me i got this.
my old therapist said once that the real tragedy in my life was that i have been constantly reminded that i am, as we all are, essentially alone. this lesson doesn't usually hit us so early and so continually. i forgot that this time. i've been hanging onto you, to my friends, to j, in hope that this time it could be different. it can't, because it seems that i have to learn to dig deep and save myself.
i've spent this weekend feeling so much hurt, so much panic, so much anger, so many feelings of abandonment. i don't blame you, i blame the universe. i question the eternal wisdom of this seemingly arbitrary and wrong decision to cut me off and send me flying. i gave up on that road map, and i'm learning who i am, what this life means without the pressure of perfection. i'm just trying to hold on, and then i got knocked loose. it's too soon. i'm not ready.
but stopping this isn't an option. i have to keep going, i have to move on to the next thing. life on life's terms: the hardest lesson i will ever learn. i am not in control here, and all i can do is hold on to THAT, and pray that i have what it takes to make it one more time.
14 more job ads lay before me, unanswered. a dear new friend is back in town. money is on it's way to us. an unread alice walker book is beside my bed. i still have myself, and i am still tenacious and unbreakable....
i just pray that, once again, it will be enough.
see you on wednesday.